Tuesday, March 14, 2006
My Mom sent this to me. Cool...Hu?
Can you raed tihs? i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you c! an sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
People always tell you that babies cost a lot. And while my wife has done a tremendous job at keeping our expenses down, I have seen a glimpse of what I believe is the real culprit in this monetary conspiracy. "The Internet Baby Legend." If you let a mom, or mom-to-be, loose on the internet, within minutes they will find half a dozen insane reasons to buy the most inane crap you have ever heard. The concerned voice will come from the computer room…
”Honey, is it OK if I buy a Baby Thermal Plasmo-Interferometer Ankle Bracelet? It will let us know when the baby is developing Super Hypo-Autothalamic Ectogravitomitis Syndrome Disease. I read an article about it on the internet. It affects one in every 70 billion babies. No body's ever had it, but they think its coming soon. It’s only $1,153 if I order it from Bangladesh.”
If you can convince a mother that there is a threat to her child, there is no limit to the amount of money they will spend to fight it. For instance, Lorna feels that there is a significant chance that one of the cats will lay on Dexter’s head while he sleeps and suffocate him. Because, of course, cats love to lounge around on baby heads. Pet stores are filled with stuffed baby heads you can throw in the corner or on the couch and your cat will snooze for hours. So, to fight chronic Cat Nap-Baby Head Syndrome, we now have a mesh tent over the crib that will fend off cats, dogs, ionic radiation, phasers, sub-space field scans, (I’m watching Star Trek right now) or anything else the internet can throw at it. It also makes his crib look a bit like Denver International Airport…Cool.
Sure, we have the normal army of white plastic devices designed to fend off water, electrons, and chemicals that have menacing prefixes such as chloral, hexyl, methyl and anything else ending in L with which the baby might come in contact. But, as adults, we have to learn to recognize the difference between real and unrealistic threats. For those of you who can't, I have decided to publish my own warnings regarding baby health along with the proper amount of money to send to me to prevent the condition. This week:
Urial-Fecal Lateral Discharge Disease - This is when an accidental urine emission lands in a poopy diaper causing a dissolution effect which creates a substance which can shoot out suddenly while tightly rolling up the diaper prior to disposal which then gets all over your pants and shoes. It is very dangerous as it can cause the baby to hear sudden bursts of unhealthy audio signals from close range.
Now, for $500 dollars, I will send you a Unidirectional Urial-Deflector Unit with attached Sub-Solid Absorbal Wrap. It is a highly advanced tube roughly 5 inches in length constructed of a space age cardboard material. It is wrapped, using our special wrapping process, with multiple layers of a loose, quilted, cellulose, tissue-like sheeting to a depth of aprox. 2 inches. You place the tube over the penis to re-direct the urine stream and protect the volatile poop zone. You may then manually deploy the protective wrap to contain any sub-solid strata. These units are also available, at a substantial discount, in multi-packs of 6, 12, 18 and 24. Don’t be fooled by imitators like the Charminator. Remember, my main priority is your baby's safety! Without this protection, if the urine and poop mix just right, the baby's big toe may explode (or go to market) and destroy the whole house. Unless, of course, you have a Cat Nap-Baby Head Tent in which case the crib will remain intact.
