Friday, November 25, 2005
Standard Deviation
Commercial Aviation is safe! I mean it is really, really safe. Now, usually when I say that, some jackass brings up the story of some tragic crash they saw on the Discovery Channel years ago or maybe they start to tell you about the time it was so rough that they spilled their scotch and soda on their yada yada yada...give me a break. Do any of you know anyone who was involved or killed in a commercial aviation crash? Anyone? Now, how many people do you know who have been injured or killed in a car crash? In all honesty, while I do many things that are stupid and risky (paragliding, the nail gun, electrical work, let’s not forget the welding incident), I wouldn't do this job if I thought it was dangerous. Commercial Aviation has safer odds than lightening, bath tubs, eating, even condoms and birth control pills. That’s right…if you were in the lavatory joining the Mile High club with the protection of birth control pills, you would stand a better chance of becoming a parent than dying in a smoking hole. And, of course, if you were having sex while eating in a bath tub in a lightening storm, forget it! (Ya know, that reminds me of a film I saw in Amsterdam...)
So why are we so afraid of airplanes? Well, I have developed my own personal theory I like to call the “Jello effect!” You see, when someone dies on a motorcycle or in a boat, they usually lie there relatively intact. Maybe a little bloody, a little cracked but they still look like humans. Even in a car accident you usually stay in one or two pieces. Maybe a little singed or flattened here and there but, again, relatively human looking. But, when you hit the granite at 500mph+ in that shiny aluminum tube, you’re looking nowhere even close to human and a whole lot like Raspberry “Jello.” And as humans we hate that. There’s just something about the way we look after we’re dead that apparently matters a lot to us. If you go to a funeral and there’s an open casket, you’re probably hoping it’s got a corpse inside because if there’s just a 16oz. Mason jar full of Strawberry Jam, there’s gonna’ be some serious hurling goin’ on. The odd thing is, it’s probably not a bad way to go. I mean, if you have to go, what better way than sippen’ a bloody mary while watching the in-flight movie. One minute it’s “Man, that Kirsten Dunst has a nice pair; doesn’t she?” the next moment it’s all about the Jello! You’re not going to feel a thing.
But, food products aside, Commercial Aviation is really safe. And, this begs the question…Why? Why is it that I can take a 130,000 pound machine filled with other machines and systems and lights and flammable liquids and Kirsten Dunst movies and then pressurize the whole thing up like a balloon and send it six miles high through the air at 500 miles per hour and have more reliability than when I take my '84 Honda down to the Seven-Eleven to get a Super Big Gulp of Dr. Pepper? One word...Standardization. Which is just a fancy way of saying, among other things, that we do the same thing, the same way, every time? If I filmed myself taking off yesterday, and then filmed my take-off today, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference. We say the same things, we throw the same switches, we push the same buttons; we do and say the same things, the same way, every time. (It's actually quite boring after a while.) If I want the gear retracted I'll say "Positive Rate, Gear Up" and the other guy/girl will reach over and lift the gear. (Unless they’re reading the USA Today) And so will every other pilot that works for my company. (Lift the gear I mean...not the USA Today...some read the Arizona Republic) If you said anything else, it would confuse the other pilot and make you look like an idiot. You'll never hear something like "Suck 'em up and stow 'em." Unless, of course, you're watching a Harrison Ford movie. Standardization helps out in a couple of ways. For one, you can fly with anyone, even those who you have never met and you are already on the same page unless they start talking about politics... The other by-product of standardization is that it makes it really easy to tell when something is wrong. If you hear or see something that you haven't already heard or seen a million times, something is most likely wrong.
Now, in usual Blog fashion, I will diverge only to vaguely return to the subject in a later paragraph. When I got hired by my first airline, I was very excited. I was on my way, baby! Big money, bright lights, big cities…And the chicks...oh baby, the chicks. The only problem was that I had to leave my home and go into the bowles of inner America; St. Louis to be exact. Little did I know how appropriate the word "bowles" would be. I'm talkin' conservative, rude, dirty, cigarette smokin', bible thumpen’, Bush voten', red neck, weasels. And forget about buying anything on a Sunday. (I think even the hospitals are closed on sunday.) Anyway, the one thing I noticed the most was the appalling lack of customer service. Especially at fast food outlets. It would routinely take 10-15 minutes to go through a drive-thru even if you were the only car in line and spoke the native tongue of the person on the other end of that little speaker. Thankfully we now live in Arizona where the conservative, rude, dirty, cigarette smokin', bible thumpen’, Bush voten', red neck, weasels are always open on Sundays. I revisited STL a week or so ago on the 737 and found a similar environment at our arrival gate. The captain told me he had been here a week ago and that the ground crew was straight from the hood! We pulled in near the gate and had to wait for them to come out and marshal us in. There they were. Complete with tattoos and bling! It’s important to point out at this point that the concept of Standardization is not limited to flight crew, it is used everywhere in the airline industry. Under normal circumstances the ground crew would consist of three people. One marshaller waiving us in and two wing-walkers to verify wing clearance. As we pulled in to STL, I looked to the right wing tip and saw the wing walker with his back to the plane…dancing! I suppose it would be more accurate to say he was “busting a move.” The other “rampers” were watching and laughing which caused even more energetic dancing. So much for wing clearance. After the Gate A8 Dance Party was over, I walked around the plane to do a post flight. I asked Mr. HipHop for door code to get back up to the plane. He looked at me like I just shot his dog. I asked somebody else. When it came time to go, we expected to hear what we always hear. The ramp lead is supposed to say “Walk around complete, all doors and panels confirmed closed, by-pass pin installed, ready to push.” Instead we heard “Yo.” That’s it…”yo.” Ah, standardization. When we pushed back to depart, I got a clearance from metering control and we relayed it to the ground crew. Before we could finish, the lead ramper said “yea, I know da drill.” These are the people who are in charge of what gets loaded on your plane. I’m sure there level of integrity will keep you safe. We asked why these guys were so bad and were told that they don’t work for America West. They are contract employees that we use in STL. Another problem with STL airport is that the city has an ordinance that requires those working for the city, have to live in the city. I remember a pilot whose wife got hired by the city and they had six months to move within the city limits or she would lose her job. That means that a high school kid that lives two miles to the west can’t work for the airport, most employees are from the depressed urban areas. This can cause operational problems from time to time. I’m so glad I don’t live there anymore.
Airlines always say Safety is their number one concern. This is true. Not your safety…the safety of the airline. After all if we crash, no one will fly on us and we won’t make money. All airlines are as safe as they can afford to be. If safety costs more than and airline makes, they either go out of business or they become a little less safe. Which would you do if your job was on the line? I’d like to think that I would let the company go under and spend my afternoons at the movies. Perhaps a Kirsten Dunst movie…no…Movie theaters are too dangerous.
Commercial Aviation is safe! I mean it is really, really safe. Now, usually when I say that, some jackass brings up the story of some tragic crash they saw on the Discovery Channel years ago or maybe they start to tell you about the time it was so rough that they spilled their scotch and soda on their yada yada yada...give me a break. Do any of you know anyone who was involved or killed in a commercial aviation crash? Anyone? Now, how many people do you know who have been injured or killed in a car crash? In all honesty, while I do many things that are stupid and risky (paragliding, the nail gun, electrical work, let’s not forget the welding incident), I wouldn't do this job if I thought it was dangerous. Commercial Aviation has safer odds than lightening, bath tubs, eating, even condoms and birth control pills. That’s right…if you were in the lavatory joining the Mile High club with the protection of birth control pills, you would stand a better chance of becoming a parent than dying in a smoking hole. And, of course, if you were having sex while eating in a bath tub in a lightening storm, forget it! (Ya know, that reminds me of a film I saw in Amsterdam...)
So why are we so afraid of airplanes? Well, I have developed my own personal theory I like to call the “Jello effect!” You see, when someone dies on a motorcycle or in a boat, they usually lie there relatively intact. Maybe a little bloody, a little cracked but they still look like humans. Even in a car accident you usually stay in one or two pieces. Maybe a little singed or flattened here and there but, again, relatively human looking. But, when you hit the granite at 500mph+ in that shiny aluminum tube, you’re looking nowhere even close to human and a whole lot like Raspberry “Jello.” And as humans we hate that. There’s just something about the way we look after we’re dead that apparently matters a lot to us. If you go to a funeral and there’s an open casket, you’re probably hoping it’s got a corpse inside because if there’s just a 16oz. Mason jar full of Strawberry Jam, there’s gonna’ be some serious hurling goin’ on. The odd thing is, it’s probably not a bad way to go. I mean, if you have to go, what better way than sippen’ a bloody mary while watching the in-flight movie. One minute it’s “Man, that Kirsten Dunst has a nice pair; doesn’t she?” the next moment it’s all about the Jello! You’re not going to feel a thing.
But, food products aside, Commercial Aviation is really safe. And, this begs the question…Why? Why is it that I can take a 130,000 pound machine filled with other machines and systems and lights and flammable liquids and Kirsten Dunst movies and then pressurize the whole thing up like a balloon and send it six miles high through the air at 500 miles per hour and have more reliability than when I take my '84 Honda down to the Seven-Eleven to get a Super Big Gulp of Dr. Pepper? One word...Standardization. Which is just a fancy way of saying, among other things, that we do the same thing, the same way, every time? If I filmed myself taking off yesterday, and then filmed my take-off today, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference. We say the same things, we throw the same switches, we push the same buttons; we do and say the same things, the same way, every time. (It's actually quite boring after a while.) If I want the gear retracted I'll say "Positive Rate, Gear Up" and the other guy/girl will reach over and lift the gear. (Unless they’re reading the USA Today) And so will every other pilot that works for my company. (Lift the gear I mean...not the USA Today...some read the Arizona Republic) If you said anything else, it would confuse the other pilot and make you look like an idiot. You'll never hear something like "Suck 'em up and stow 'em." Unless, of course, you're watching a Harrison Ford movie. Standardization helps out in a couple of ways. For one, you can fly with anyone, even those who you have never met and you are already on the same page unless they start talking about politics... The other by-product of standardization is that it makes it really easy to tell when something is wrong. If you hear or see something that you haven't already heard or seen a million times, something is most likely wrong.
Now, in usual Blog fashion, I will diverge only to vaguely return to the subject in a later paragraph. When I got hired by my first airline, I was very excited. I was on my way, baby! Big money, bright lights, big cities…And the chicks...oh baby, the chicks. The only problem was that I had to leave my home and go into the bowles of inner America; St. Louis to be exact. Little did I know how appropriate the word "bowles" would be. I'm talkin' conservative, rude, dirty, cigarette smokin', bible thumpen’, Bush voten', red neck, weasels. And forget about buying anything on a Sunday. (I think even the hospitals are closed on sunday.) Anyway, the one thing I noticed the most was the appalling lack of customer service. Especially at fast food outlets. It would routinely take 10-15 minutes to go through a drive-thru even if you were the only car in line and spoke the native tongue of the person on the other end of that little speaker. Thankfully we now live in Arizona where the conservative, rude, dirty, cigarette smokin', bible thumpen’, Bush voten', red neck, weasels are always open on Sundays. I revisited STL a week or so ago on the 737 and found a similar environment at our arrival gate. The captain told me he had been here a week ago and that the ground crew was straight from the hood! We pulled in near the gate and had to wait for them to come out and marshal us in. There they were. Complete with tattoos and bling! It’s important to point out at this point that the concept of Standardization is not limited to flight crew, it is used everywhere in the airline industry. Under normal circumstances the ground crew would consist of three people. One marshaller waiving us in and two wing-walkers to verify wing clearance. As we pulled in to STL, I looked to the right wing tip and saw the wing walker with his back to the plane…dancing! I suppose it would be more accurate to say he was “busting a move.” The other “rampers” were watching and laughing which caused even more energetic dancing. So much for wing clearance. After the Gate A8 Dance Party was over, I walked around the plane to do a post flight. I asked Mr. HipHop for door code to get back up to the plane. He looked at me like I just shot his dog. I asked somebody else. When it came time to go, we expected to hear what we always hear. The ramp lead is supposed to say “Walk around complete, all doors and panels confirmed closed, by-pass pin installed, ready to push.” Instead we heard “Yo.” That’s it…”yo.” Ah, standardization. When we pushed back to depart, I got a clearance from metering control and we relayed it to the ground crew. Before we could finish, the lead ramper said “yea, I know da drill.” These are the people who are in charge of what gets loaded on your plane. I’m sure there level of integrity will keep you safe. We asked why these guys were so bad and were told that they don’t work for America West. They are contract employees that we use in STL. Another problem with STL airport is that the city has an ordinance that requires those working for the city, have to live in the city. I remember a pilot whose wife got hired by the city and they had six months to move within the city limits or she would lose her job. That means that a high school kid that lives two miles to the west can’t work for the airport, most employees are from the depressed urban areas. This can cause operational problems from time to time. I’m so glad I don’t live there anymore.
Airlines always say Safety is their number one concern. This is true. Not your safety…the safety of the airline. After all if we crash, no one will fly on us and we won’t make money. All airlines are as safe as they can afford to be. If safety costs more than and airline makes, they either go out of business or they become a little less safe. Which would you do if your job was on the line? I’d like to think that I would let the company go under and spend my afternoons at the movies. Perhaps a Kirsten Dunst movie…no…Movie theaters are too dangerous.
// posted by Chris @ Friday, November 25, 2005
