Sunday, August 21, 2005
Baby Goggles
Any young guy has heard of the term “Beer Goggles.” For those of you who are not familiar, it refers to the odd phenomenon whereby our vision is affected by alcohol. You know… remember that girl you met at the beginning of the evening…the one with the one eyebrow who grows a better mustache than you? Yea, well, now you’re dancing with her to Bon Jovi and she is remarkably better looking after a few beers. And after a night of drinking, the mustache is gone and you’re starting to wonder why she’s not on the cover of Maxim.
I have now noticed that the same dynamic is involved in parenthood. I will coin this affliction “Baby Goggles.” When a child is born, anyone with a genetic connection or who bares a responsibility in raising that child develops the belief that the child is Gods gift to adolescent beauty. This little blob comes out all pink and smooshed with a lobe shaped head and the relatives all go “He’s so beautiful.” If I looked like that right now, people would cringe with terror and children would run screaming in horror. Unless, of course, they just drank a six pack and we were dancing to Bon Jovi.
Now he comes home and it’s poop and drool and spit up and his grandmothers are all “He’s absolutely the most perfect baby in the world.” I don’t have to tell you what people would say if I was drooling and vomiting and filling my pants with crap. There hasn’t been enough beer brewed in the world to make that look good. And let's face it, Bon Jovi's not gonna' help. I have to admit that our little guy's head has mellowed to a more natural color now and it isn’t as pointy as it used to be. But, when he came home he was a dead ringer for “Don Rickles”. Then he lost some of his birth hair and went into a sort of “Phil Collins” phase. Now that he is putting on weight, he has definitely settled firmly into an “Uncle Fester” kind of thing. (Be honest…you’re humming the Adams Family theme in your head aren’t you?)
The main difference between Beer Goggles and Baby Goggles is that Beer Googles wear off. The next morning your buddies show you a picture of you dancing and you ask “Who’s that dude dancing next to me?” And, as the grins of evil pleasure come across their faces, it all comes rushing back like a horrible dream. As far as I can tell, Baby Goggles don’t ever go away. I imagine as they were leading Jeffery Dahmer away to a life of prison, his mom was saying “Isn’t he cute in that orange jumper? Hi jeffy boy sweet heart. Mommy loves you!”
The people I really feel sorry for are the child modeling agencies. How the hell do they tell parents that no one is ever going to want to look at their little troll? “Wow…Yea…We’re definitely interested in your child. If we get any calls for babies with crooked teeth, a droopy right eye and a head that slopes to the left, we’re callin’ you first!" I could just see us rollin' The Dex Man in and they look at each other and say "Ya know...I think they're making another Mad Max movie real soon.”
Don't get me wrong, I don’t mind when people think their little angle is perfect as long as they remember...They just might be the only ones who do.
Any young guy has heard of the term “Beer Goggles.” For those of you who are not familiar, it refers to the odd phenomenon whereby our vision is affected by alcohol. You know… remember that girl you met at the beginning of the evening…the one with the one eyebrow who grows a better mustache than you? Yea, well, now you’re dancing with her to Bon Jovi and she is remarkably better looking after a few beers. And after a night of drinking, the mustache is gone and you’re starting to wonder why she’s not on the cover of Maxim.
I have now noticed that the same dynamic is involved in parenthood. I will coin this affliction “Baby Goggles.” When a child is born, anyone with a genetic connection or who bares a responsibility in raising that child develops the belief that the child is Gods gift to adolescent beauty. This little blob comes out all pink and smooshed with a lobe shaped head and the relatives all go “He’s so beautiful.” If I looked like that right now, people would cringe with terror and children would run screaming in horror. Unless, of course, they just drank a six pack and we were dancing to Bon Jovi.
Now he comes home and it’s poop and drool and spit up and his grandmothers are all “He’s absolutely the most perfect baby in the world.” I don’t have to tell you what people would say if I was drooling and vomiting and filling my pants with crap. There hasn’t been enough beer brewed in the world to make that look good. And let's face it, Bon Jovi's not gonna' help. I have to admit that our little guy's head has mellowed to a more natural color now and it isn’t as pointy as it used to be. But, when he came home he was a dead ringer for “Don Rickles”. Then he lost some of his birth hair and went into a sort of “Phil Collins” phase. Now that he is putting on weight, he has definitely settled firmly into an “Uncle Fester” kind of thing. (Be honest…you’re humming the Adams Family theme in your head aren’t you?)
The main difference between Beer Goggles and Baby Goggles is that Beer Googles wear off. The next morning your buddies show you a picture of you dancing and you ask “Who’s that dude dancing next to me?” And, as the grins of evil pleasure come across their faces, it all comes rushing back like a horrible dream. As far as I can tell, Baby Goggles don’t ever go away. I imagine as they were leading Jeffery Dahmer away to a life of prison, his mom was saying “Isn’t he cute in that orange jumper? Hi jeffy boy sweet heart. Mommy loves you!”
The people I really feel sorry for are the child modeling agencies. How the hell do they tell parents that no one is ever going to want to look at their little troll? “Wow…Yea…We’re definitely interested in your child. If we get any calls for babies with crooked teeth, a droopy right eye and a head that slopes to the left, we’re callin’ you first!" I could just see us rollin' The Dex Man in and they look at each other and say "Ya know...I think they're making another Mad Max movie real soon.”
Don't get me wrong, I don’t mind when people think their little angle is perfect as long as they remember...They just might be the only ones who do.
// posted by Chris @ Sunday, August 21, 2005
Friday, August 19, 2005
This is a "DEFCON-4 Ultra-Cool" alert!
A message to let everyone know about Google Earth. Go to http://earth.google.com/ and download and install Google Earth. It's free. I don't care how jaded you are by the internet or computers in general. You will love it! Don't just put in your home address. Go explore the world!
A message to let everyone know about Google Earth. Go to http://earth.google.com/ and download and install Google Earth. It's free. I don't care how jaded you are by the internet or computers in general. You will love it! Don't just put in your home address. Go explore the world!
// posted by Chris @ Friday, August 19, 2005
A Picture Share!
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Sorry about the photos but I was trying out a new feature on Blogger. I can take photos with my phone and post them on the fly. Cool! I can even send email to my blog and it will post. This is awsome!
// posted by Chris @ Tuesday, August 16, 2005
A Picture Share!
A Picture Share!
The most important things in life can be learned from T-shirts.
When I went to Civics class in eighth grade, we learned that we had a representative government. I thought (wrongly) that that meant that my legislators represented me. Back in 2002 when congress voted whether to give the president the power to go to war, I wrote my senator (at the time it was Diane Feinstein) and told her that I was against doing that. They apparently put me on their mailing list because I started getting her blast emails. After the vote (she voted for it) she wrote a letter outlining her feelings which included the text of her speech on the floor of the senate. I am paraphrasing but it went something like this...
"Many people from my state have contacted my office to weigh in on this issue and were I to go solely on their opinions, I would have to vote against it. However, ..."
She went on to tell the senate that she knew better than us and that she was voting for it. I thought representatives were supposed to vote in a way that represents their constituency. Even if it was against their own feelings. I now realize that they vote whatever way 'they' want. It's up to us to guess which ones will vote the way 'we' would, and vote for them.
I have grown concerned about my world. Things seem to be changing more than they should. No, I don't mean the babies effect on our lives. The patriot Act really annoys me. We seem to be trading some of our freedom for security. I was in Las Vegas the other day. I was standing behind this guy. He was...well...there's no other way to say it...a loser. It was 9am and he was buying 'more' liquor. I was impressed, however, with his t-shirt. The personal billboard of our lives. On the back of his shirt was one on my favorite quotes by Thomas Jefferson. It goes:
"...A society which trades a little freedom for a little order, will lose both and deserves neither..."
I see this coming in our country since 9/11. And the way senators and congressmen are hacking on the supreme court...Don't get me started.
When I went to Civics class in eighth grade, we learned that we had a representative government. I thought (wrongly) that that meant that my legislators represented me. Back in 2002 when congress voted whether to give the president the power to go to war, I wrote my senator (at the time it was Diane Feinstein) and told her that I was against doing that. They apparently put me on their mailing list because I started getting her blast emails. After the vote (she voted for it) she wrote a letter outlining her feelings which included the text of her speech on the floor of the senate. I am paraphrasing but it went something like this...
"Many people from my state have contacted my office to weigh in on this issue and were I to go solely on their opinions, I would have to vote against it. However, ..."
She went on to tell the senate that she knew better than us and that she was voting for it. I thought representatives were supposed to vote in a way that represents their constituency. Even if it was against their own feelings. I now realize that they vote whatever way 'they' want. It's up to us to guess which ones will vote the way 'we' would, and vote for them.
I have grown concerned about my world. Things seem to be changing more than they should. No, I don't mean the babies effect on our lives. The patriot Act really annoys me. We seem to be trading some of our freedom for security. I was in Las Vegas the other day. I was standing behind this guy. He was...well...there's no other way to say it...a loser. It was 9am and he was buying 'more' liquor. I was impressed, however, with his t-shirt. The personal billboard of our lives. On the back of his shirt was one on my favorite quotes by Thomas Jefferson. It goes:
"...A society which trades a little freedom for a little order, will lose both and deserves neither..."
I see this coming in our country since 9/11. And the way senators and congressmen are hacking on the supreme court...Don't get me started.
// posted by Chris @ Tuesday, August 16, 2005
