HawleyBlog

I've been working on the corral...(All the live long day!...I've been working on the Corral...Just to pass the time away...Sorry.) We have all the components for the corral but I needed to dig up the existing sides to move them to the new location. I had four days off so I figured that would do it. Wrong! The first day, I had to rent a 24 foot truck to bring the pieces (some of which are 21 feet long) to the property. They loaded them with a fork lift, I off loaded them with Lorna and my 12th Cervical Vertebrae which will never forgive me. Lorna had to leave early so I continued alone. I had to dig eight footings out of the ground. They were held in with two feet of concrete and some of the hardest dirt on the planet. Let's hope Mars is softer or that rover is in big trouble. I was able to free them but I couldn't get them out of the two foot holes they rested in. I could lift one side of the panel but the other would hold it in. The next day Lorna, with the help of a six foot piece of steel, was able to lever one end out of it's hole while I lifted the other side out. We had bought a sledge hammer that morning to break apart the concrete in preparation for mounting the side panels in a new location. Now, owning a sledge hammer is one of those male rites of passage and as a new home owner, I wasn't going to miss out. It's like when you make fire for the first time or kill a wildebeest bare handed. We don't have any wildebeest on our land, just an ornery peacock and I think they would arrest me if I killed it, so I had to buy a sledge hammer instead. I broke the first concrete footing away and everything inside was rusted and totally useless. after cutting away everything that was rusted, we had about a foot of material to work with and we needed three feet! We began engineering on the fly and visited many stores in search of sleeves and things but nothing would be strong enough. We ended up at American Fence and found some heavy gage pipe that would fit over our one foot so we bought eight 3 ft. lengths. Now we had to find a way to weld them on. The panels are too heavy and big to take somewhere and it would cost a fortune to have someone out to weld them for us on site so... in typical Tim the Toolman fashion, "I know, I'll get an arc welder!"

The Arc Welder...or how I almost lost the third toe on my left foot!

I went to Home Depot and got one of these little arc welders. Forget the sledge, this is way off the scale on the Macho-meter. "But Chris" you say, "you don't know how to weld." Duh! That's what the instructions are for. Jeezz! So I sat on a lawn chair in the middle of my field and read the instructions. Lorna was looking at me. I imagined her thinking "after he electrocutes himself, I bet I could get good chunk of change on Ebay for that welder."

After ten minutes of reading I was ready to master the world of metalworking. I practiced on a couple of scrap pieces and in ten minutes or so, managed to join one of the 80 pound concrete footings I dug up to the six foot piece of steel Lorna used to lift it out of it's hole. I thought it had a certain poetic justice to it. It all held together so I figured that qualified me as an expert. Now to the task at hand. I prepared myself for the big weld. Now when you weld, you're looking through very dark glass that is mounted in a shield. This welder came with a shield that I have to hold in one hand while I weld with the other. I know now why they invented the welding helmet. Welding gives off fumes that are not very healthy for you and with a helmet, they go around your face, with a shield, they tend to have a bit more access. Besides, I sure would have liked to have that other hand free. You don't see much while welding except for the blinding arc and the actual molten metal but I knew from the noises that Lorna was making that something pretty remarkable was taking place on the other side of that glass! Now, welding takes a lot of concentration. It is the "money shot" of metalworking. You can't just wipe the excess glue off and try again so you have to stay focused.

To clarify the picture at this point, I have to confess that lately I have had a case of "athlete's foot". So, I have been wearing sandals to keep the area dry. But, I realize that I have to protect my self from the sparks so I put a work boot on my right foot and a cotton sock on my Left with the sandal and pull the socks way up to my knees (I'm wearing shorts...hey, it's phoenix!) I have knee pads so I can kneel down to weld when I need to and a sweatshirt with long sleeves. With the face shield in place I look like a retarded goalie at the special Olympics hockey finals. I start in welding and the sparks start flying. Now let's think about this word...Sparks! It's such a friendly word. We call guys we know and little dogs sparky! They seem friendly. "Hey sparky!" "C'mon sparks, let's go for a walk!" But what we are really talking about is a ball of flying molten metal. If it was bigger we would call it a meteor! Even bigger, and it would be a Planet Killer (I saw that movie with Bruce Willis...Holy crap.) Well, one of these Planet Killers lands on the third toe of my left foot. After making it's way through the armored protection of my cotton sock, it hits the skin and really goes to work. Now, I'm welding. I can't let the pain pull my concentration away. Give it a second and it will stop. The blood in my foot will cool it or it will hit bone and rest for a while. At least I don't have to worry about Athlete's Foot in that area any more because the toe will be gone in another second or so. I start drifting in thought, If I was a prisoner of war and they were trying to make me talk by burning off my toes, I could just pretend that I was welding and I wouldn't mind it a bit. Got to stay focused...pain...Stay on the weld...Just a few seconds more...Luke, you've turned off you targeting computer! After a while the fumes from the weld eased the pain and I don't remember much after that.

All in all the welds turned out OK. When I said I haven't welded before, it's not entirely true. I have done O2/Acetylene welding some, but this is much more fun because of the sparks...Those damn killer sparks! I'm not going to tell you about the part where I started the hay on fire. I might start practicing and try to get better. I could start a little business..."Four Toes Welding". Cool. We hope to dig holes and mount sides today. I start work again tomorrow and I have to clean up the field. All except the concrete I welded to the six foot piece of steel. That thing's cool. I'm gonna mount it in the front yard. People will come by and say "that's an interesting piece." And I'll say "Yea, I did that in my impressionist period. It's available on Ebay, I call it... 'Man with four toes'!"

As predicted they sent me away yesterday. For the second time in one week I went to Newark, NJ. I might as well buy a condo there! It was 2 degrees F. this morning and my heater was broken in the room. When I went to take a shower the water was non-existent. I called to the front desk and they said there was a small problem with the water pressure and that someone was working on it. I was just barely able to shave. NO SHOWER! I blended right in with New Jersey. You know the line..."Oh the glamorous life of an airline pilot." And this was a Wyndham Garden. Oh yea..in New Jersey...that's right...never mind.

On the way home I had an interesting realization. I was eating sunflower seeds around hour three of the flight and I was about to take a drink of apple juice. Now, I must confess, I eat sunflower seeds in a rather odd way. I eat both the seed and the shell together. That's right, the whole thing. I love the salt and the seed. If I eat the seed alone, it's like eating a nut. And you all know how I hate nuts. Of course you have to chew them up pretty good or you 'll pay for it the in the next couple of days, if you get my meaning. Now don't go trying to eat both just because I told you I do because I know your going to not chew them enough and get an obstructed bowel. Remember, I have spent years perfecting my technique. That's right, "I'm a professional." The next thing you know you'll be suing me because you weren't smart enough to chew'em up and you'll die and then I'll be in prison and they'll ask me why I'm in and I'll say "Obstruction" and they'll say "Obstruction of Justice?" And I'll say "No...Obstruction of Bowel" and they'll kick my ass then they'll be loven' me from dawn 'till dusk! For god sakes chew man chew!

Anyway...I was eating sunflower seeds and just before I took a sip, I realized this was one great tasting seed. I mean, really roasted and salty. It was like a pork rib without the fat, grease, bone and the really heavy set gal who thinks she's really hot just because she knows how to cook ribs. (If you've ever been to St. Louis, you know what I mean.) I gave it a few more chews and realized that if I had taken that sip, I would have ruined the whole experience. I mean, come on, sunflower seeds and apple juice are not really one of the legendary combinations of history. Suddenly, I wondered how many great "taste moments" in life I had ruined by drinking without thought of what flavor I was going to quash. (I always wanted to use the word "quash" in a sentence... yea baby... Kick ass!) From now on I will try to pay more attention to what my buds are doing before I hose down the flavor action at hand. Of course, about an hour earlier, I spilled ranch dressing down my tie and onto my crotch...but hey...you can't be cool all of the time!

Yea, they didn't use me last night and I slept for ten hours. I'll most likely go out again today but I'll be well rested this time. I just hope I won't have to go to Costa Rica. We are off to look at Corral stuff today. Giddy Yup!

I'm having one of those disconnected days. I got called out on Tues. night at 10pm to fly up to Vegas and then all night to Newark, NJ. You know..."The Garden State!" That is...If your garden is full of trash and rude, ignorant homeless people. Then I slept all day and woke up that evening to fly back. I got in at 2:30am this morning and just couldn't sleep much. The really bad news is that it may happen again tonight. I'm on reserve until 2am. My fingers are crossed.

My buddy Mike made me realize that it is time for the next installment of the house saga so ...

The House Chapter 2:

We left off at the offer for the house. The first one was rejected. (It really was pitifully low) The second was accepted and the date was set to close...Dec 1st! This was going to be great. We start making plans for remodeling and painting and horses and workshops and taxiways and building a second story and a third and floors made of Brazilian mahogany with gold inlay and a wet bar with a bartender and a maid and a gesha...and then we didn't win the lottery so...back to the story. The first hitch was the fact that the bank had a problem with the floors. You see, there weren't any. Just a concrete slab. We were told that there was a buyer before us and that he wanted the floors stripped because he was going to put in new ones and then the deal fell through. We think what really happened is that the carpet was soaked in blood from some drug deal gone bad and a vicious fire fight ensued leading to a massacre. But who knows. Well, apparently the underwriter doesn't consider it a complete house without floor covering so we learned what a "hold back" is. That's when you get a loan for a bit more than the cost of the house and have thirty days or so, after close, to get carpeting put in. Then they release the funds to you so that you can pay for the carpet that you have already paid for. (Gee, I sure could have used that money when I was paying for the friggen' carpet!) So that problem is solved. Sort of. You see we are going to put in hardwood floors ourselves, but we can't do it in thirty days. So, this is really crappy carpeting that will be torn up in a matter of months so we can put down the hardwood.

Lets move forward a few weeks. Nov. 23rd. We drive by the property a week before close to see if the sea of derelict vehicles belonging to these yokels who own the house have been removed as per our contract. We turn the corner and my jaw drops. Lorna didn't see it at first. The horse corral is all but gone. Only the sides of the stalls remain. The roof, gates and panels are gone! I go off the scale and at that point, probably shouldn't be driving. Once my voiced lowered to a frequency that humans could hear, I told Lorna to call the real estate people...The Deal Is OFF as far as I was concerned.

Now, we need some background here. The couple that owns the house are in trouble and are getting divorced. He has moved to a new house with the kids. She is living in the house on a mattress with a cat that she is not taking care of. There is a full litter pan with no signs of being cleaned and trash stretching all over the place. I saw her one day and she was disgusting. She's from Texas and really needs to go back. Well, to spite her husband and to get cash for whatever...She sold the corral behind his back! Our Realtor said that he told her that if this was a deal breaker, he was going to kill his wife...and he wasn't speaking figuratively. After some phone calls it was settled that he would get it back and reassemble it prior to close. By the way, the cars were still on the property.

Dec. 1 rolled around and with excitement in our hearts, we pulled up in front of the house and, of course, the corral was still missing and the cars were still there. Our Realtor was out of town so the owner of the agency was coming to do the closing. The wife was supposed to be there to sign papers but was nowhere in sight. Things were not looking good. The Realtor shower up and, with the restraint of a priest that is not having sex with small boys, I said..."We're not closing today!" She had no idea that anything was wrong so I spent a few minutes explaining things to her with very small words that she could understand. She fired up her cell phone and went to work. The results were:

The vehicles were being removed that day by some charity except for the fifth wheel trailer which he needs two weeks to remove because his truck blew up.

His wife wasn't there because she is in the hospital for "mental" reasons. They're not even sure she's competent to sign legal documents.

The stall will be back but he needs a week or so.

Our Realtor, who told us that she wouldn't be there because of some tests, was in Hawaii. Unless she is undergoing tests for a sever allergy to poi and BBQ pork, she is a major slacker.

The resolution...Another Hold back! $2,000 of the purchase price would be held back until the 15th at which time if the corral was not returned, we would get the money. (It never did come back but the fifth wheel trailer did disappear one day). We closed three days later on Thurs. the 4th.

But things were far from over...more later.